I always knew I loved kids. But for some reason, babysitting and nanny jobs just never worked out for me. I was excited when I got the opportunity to help a down-syndrome girl in a nearby homeschool family with her studies. It fit for both of us. And it came at a good time.
We like to cook together, and I am her designated kitchen teacher. Watching her and working with her, I have learned a lot about myself. I have related incidents to spiritual lessons between me and God. Charis has taught me more than I ever expected.
Affirmation-
She loves to be in my eyes and in my sight. She wants me to wait for her, making sure we do everything together.
As a reward for doing math flashcards one day, I let Charis choose a track on any cd to listen to. It was close to Christmas, so she choose a homemade cd of some American Idol holiday recordings.
When the music started, she let her hair out of her ponytail and closed her eyes dramatically. She took deep breaths and sang every word. She rarely hit the right note at the right time, but she performed with energy and feeling, peeking through her closed eyes to make sure I was watching. Then she would smile, blush a little, and close her eyes again.
I was so surprised. I applauded and praised her.
Soon, she wanted to sing more for me. She told her sister to come hear her sing on American Idol for me. She was so proud.
I saw myself.
Just that morning, praying as I drove to town, I had been asking Jesus for affirmation.I wanted to know that he was watching me and was proud of me- like the Jason Upton song goes, 'to know that you're approving of what I say and do.'
I wanted to relive a moment that had happened weeks before when I had stayed home from church to cry out to him: I was praying as I walked on our driveway, and suddenly I knew Jesus was there beside me. He promised that he would never leave us, and sometimes we are blessed with sensing his immediate presence. I saw in his eyes kindness, assurance, and pride.
This is what we all want to know as followers of Christ- that we are affirmed. There are many places in the Bible where God affirms us. He delights in people who try hard because it shows they want to do what is right with all their heart and soul.
She shows off. She wants to impress me.
Charis wanted to have a tea party with me. She took some teacups from a corner cabinet and set them on the table. It didn't seem important to me to actually make hot tea, so we daintily served each other orange juice.When the snack was done, Charis showed me how to end the ladylike pastime with genteel grace. She placed her teacup upside-down on the saucer and balanced a spoon on top saying, 'Thanks you, no tea.' Then she wanted me to do it. She was pleased with her noble manners, and I was pleased with her small demonstration to impress me.
A while ago, I really wanted to know about God, the Bible, the church, the Bride, and how I fit into it all. I began reading a book that explained the work of prayer. I wanted to learn fast so I could apply it and be a mature Christian.
The book explained how the Spirit 'helps our infirmities' when we can't see how to pray for something. The description took me several years back when I had been praying in my closet. I was reading Isaiah 58 and imaging how it would be if all the young men I knew lived a 'fasting' and 'sabbath honoring' lifestyle like God was commanding Israel. These were the promises he gave his people: light would break forth upon them, righteousness would go before them, the Lord would be their reward, they would live in his presence, the Lord would guide them, their strength would not fail, they would repair waste places and broken foundations of many generations, they would restore paths, and they would ride upon the high places of the earth.
I cut a long strip of paper and wrote the names of every young man I could think of. I prayed very earnestly for them, and the Holy Spirit helped me when I ran into an 'infirmity' of short-sightedness.
I thought, God is my teacher. He really does teach me. He must smile at me when I think I can impress him with my knowledge about spiritual things. He loves me as a person, and he is glad that I am hungry for wisdom and want his favor.
She is frustrated when she gets something wrong. She wants to pout; I want her to move on. I am proud of her for choosing to do something hard.
There is an online program Charis uses to increase her focus and attention span. There are several exercises, but one of the hardest ones for Charis is auditory sequence. She listens to two to seven numbers, and is supposed to remember them in order and type them in. It was very hard for her at first, and, of course, she did not want to keep trying because she felt like a failure.
I always felt proud of her for doing the exercise. I felt compassionate when she slapped her hands on the desk and bowed her disappointed head under the score 'Good try.'
One day I had the idea to build her up by speaking her math flashcards instead of showing them to her. This way, she could practice seeing numbers in her mind.
I introduced the plan gradually, pretending I was straightening the cards so she couldn't see them. This went smoothly until she got upset at me for 'hiding' them from her. She couldn't see that I was helping her.
This reminds me of myself.
I often feel like God keeps a record of my faults, especially the ones I am continually vulnerable in.
Every once in a while, life will offer another chance for me to react the Biblical way, to respond with the fruits of the Spirit, to live like Jesus. And when I fail, I feel so badly about myself. Then the evil one tells me that God is angry with me so I might as well give up; his lies always involve hopelessness.
Do not believe it.
God has compassion on us, and he helps us in our areas of weakness.
She wants to be beautiful. She is proud of her costume dresses, pretty shirts, scarves, baths, perfume, and nail polish.
One day, I found Charis waiting for me in a flowing purple ball gown. She began her schoolwork with romantic airs.
I wondered what she would do when I turned on a mile-long exercise video.
She began the walk just fine. Soon, however, she gathered her skirt up and pulled at the oversize puff sleeves and got hot. Yeah, the dress had to come off.
I smiled, seeing myself.
I have entered devotion time wanting to be and feel spiritually beautiful. Sometimes I have had to lay aside my romantic spiritual airs because there was work to be done like repenting, changing, or earnestly praying.
She loves it when I show my friendship by admiring her hair or 'dolling' her up. She wants to know she is beautiful to me.
I love the Psalmist lines 'So shall the king greatly desire thy beauty: for he is the Lord; and worship thou him.... The king's daughter is all glorious within: her clothing is of wrought gold.' God does make us beautiful in his time. He beautifies the meek with salvation. He clothes his Bride in white, which is righteousness.
When I was checking out at Old Navy, once, I saw a basket of fingernail polish advertised as 30% off 96 cents. I thought Charis would like it, so I picked out a pretty red shade for her.
I could see it was going to make an excellent reward when I showed it to her. After school, Charis sat on the couch and placed her foot over a paper towel. She insisted she only wanted one toe painted so she wouldn't stain her sheets that night. I didn't think it would be fair of me to force a reward, so I painted a single toenail red and blew it dry.
Then she liked it, and wanted her other foot done. So her two big toes were red.
She wanted to paint my toes so I let her, literally getting painted toes.
Then she wanted all her toenails red, saying they looked like roses on bushes.
The next day she told me she had a bath and had mixed all her perfumes to put on. She wanted her fingernails done, and showed them off to her family, acting prim and pretty.
I think this is how we are beautiful to God- a little at a time. At first, our desire for God causes us to seek him and makes us beautiful to him. Then we grow in spiritual beauty as we grow in our commitment to him, our trust in him, and our loving obedience.
She wants to be independent. She wants to 'own' a recipe, even though she is not experienced or trained enough to accomplish it.
One of the first things I noticed progression in was Charis's ability to use a knife in the kitchen. She loves to make salads now because she can skillfully chop up lettuce, onion, pepper, and tomatoes.
Like everyone else, Charis likes doing things she is good at.
We were making cookies together one afternoon. Charis was tired, and the long list of ingredients must have looked daunting. Measurements were sloppy and hurried. It was difficult to help her because she didn't want my help. I spooned out excess salt behind her, and caught up a bag of flour that was being poured in.
I wanted to help because a batch of yucky cookies would discourage her even more.
Of course, I saw myself.
I grow weary. I do not do what is right because it is too much trouble. The Bible says God will renew us, strengthen us, and carry our burdens. But I don't let him. I don't ask for his help. I just go stubbornly ahead my own way.
How can God help me if I refuse his help?
In part of his journal, George Mueller said he would choose a lifetime of trial and hardship over luxury if he always found grace to 'roll his cares on the Lord.' I read about it when I was going through a season of aloneness, trying to figure out where God had put me in life and why.
The difference between being depressingly pressured and being peacefully free was just that: rolling my cares on the Lord; depending on myself or trusting in God. Instead of struggling, I needed to surrender. And when I did surrender, deciding to give up control and wanting my own way so I could trust God to give me everything I needed in the right time, I could agree with George Mueller because of the sweetness I found.
Obedience-
I want her to obey so I can reward her. When she obeys cheerfully, out of friendship, I am happy.
We are supposed to practice a piano song three times before moving on to chords and scales. Afterwards, I play hymns for us to sing together.
Charis was practicing a long piece one week. She played it twice, and then got the hymn book.
"Wait a minute, Charis." I said, asking her to play it once more.
She hesitated.
I said pleeaase... hoping she wouldn't refuse or have a bad attitude.
She wavered, then smiled.
"What the heck," she agreed.
I wondered if God felt the same relief I did when his children simply obey him.
When she delays obedience and unwillingly gives up her own way because of the reward, I am still pleased.
I asked Charis to chop up some onion to fry with chicken for our Mexican casserole. I only needed half, but I forgot to put the second half back in the fridge, so after I pushed the first batch of onion pieces into the skillet, Charis put the rest of the onion on the cutting board and took up her knife.
I didn't want her to cut it because we were running out of time to finish her schoolwork and I needed her help with other ingredients, so I asked her to stop.
Charis loves to cut onion, so she promptly refused.
Though I warned her a reward would be lost, she kept cutting as if she hadn't heard me.
I dashed some spices into the frying chicken, watching her.
After a moment, she laid her knife down and declared she would stop.
God is as happy with us, as I was with Charis, when, after struggling with our wills, we submit and obey him. God wants us to obey him out of love; he knows when we only obey for a blessing or to avoid correction. He sees when it is difficult for us, and has compassion.
When I was a little girl, I got my feelings hurt by a girl who told me she knew nothing good about my personality. For ever I told myself it hadn't meant anything to me, and I had almost forgotten it.
Whenever I did remember the instance, I also remembered Jesus saying if I do not forgive my brother, neither will God in heaven forgive me. That was an uncomfortable thought. So I tried not to think it.
Finally, when I was all grown up, I was reading a lecture from Charles Finney about breaking up our fallow ground by making a list of our sins and repenting from them. Under the sin 'pride,' I thought about many people I have snubbed and looked down on. The girl from my childhood came to mind because I cherished knowing that my family traveled to many exciting places while her family stayed boringly at home. Again, I knew I had to forgive her and then apologize to her.
My conscience was sharp. I picked up the phone and dialed her number. Her dad answered and told me she was at work. At first, I thought I was saved. But my conscience knew better. I got her email address and wrote her immediately.
She never wrote me back, but it didn't matter to me because I had obeyed and I was free.
She will talk me down, if possible. Bartering and negotiating her schoolwork to avoid difficult problems, and do a little work for a lot of reward.
Sometimes, I have to persuade Charis to finish an exercise video.
One day, it took more than the usual encouragement. I kept reminding her that there would be a reward and we would get some drinks soon so we should finish together like good friends. We held hands and finally got it done.
After some orange juice, we filed back into the 'green room' for the reward- dancing to Celtic music. We burned more calories in four minutes of bagpipes and fiddles than we did dragging through stretches and poses.
I had to smile at my own ingenious contrivance. We exercised twice. And I wondered if God had ever used such a tactic on me. After all, he is the best teacher.
When she wants me to obey her, she is exact. She is unhappy and displeased in me if I am not punctual.
In a music therapy program to help Charis concentrate, we listen to a track of music set to loud ambience. We make motions to the music and pay attention to the pauses and the quiet notes.
Her favorite motion is playing the violin. She has a system of when to play right-handed and left-handed on the air based on what instruments are playing and how fast. At one time, she insisted I follow her exactly.
If I creatively threw in a piano or a harp, she demanded I stop.
Another time, after Christmas, Charis played a carol for me that she had performed at an assisted living place a few days before. She wanted me to sing it, so we began 'O Come All Ye Faithful.'
There were some mistakes I tried to discreetly point out, but she didn't want to hear them. Why? Because I was supposed to be singing.
It reminded me of myself.
I was seeking God's will in a matter, once. It was a weight on my mind because I knew my decision based on God's will would change my life. So I sought him desperately day and night.
When he answered me, he showed me a lot of sin in my heart. I was shocked. It wasn't the answer I was expecting, and the filthiness of my own righteousness terrified me. It seemed like God was being too creative with my life to make me wait to know his will so I could sort through my heart and repent.
But God knew what he was doing. He caused me to seek him first. And his will was soon known as one of 'all these things' that were 'added unto me.'
Friendship-
She wants to play with me. Tickling, fingering hair, swinging, telling stories, racing, swimming, competing, talking, and sharing makes work fun. Our relationship is something between friendship and work.
Charis and I make checkmarks in a long list of studies and exercises all afternoon, but it is hard and painful unless we are enjoying each other. It transforms requirement into fun activity.
What is math without an accent? or flashcards without a prize? or piano practice without singing? or exercise without laughing?
Jesus rebuked the teachers of the law for 'tying up heavy religious burdens' on the backs of their fellowmen without even lifting a finger to help them carry it. Jesus said his burden was easy and light. He came down from heaven to be our friend and companion, teacher and savior.
I felt anxious, once, because I did not understand all the Old Testament books of the prophets. I felt like I should do everything I could to figure them out so I could be wise.
Jesus gently showed me that I should focus on the simple things first. He took me back to number one: 'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and soul, and love your neighbor as yourself.' And this is the secret of love- 'not that we loved God, but that he loved us first while we were still in our sin.'
Things like love, prayer, and obedience come first in knowing God because it is a relationship, and all relationships begin with things like love, communication, sharing, and understanding.
I am thankful for the ways God has taught me about himself through Charis.
